Sunday, September 25, 2011
What's going to happen to me, when you leave my side?
Hi. This post is gonna be real melodramatic. Is it called nostalgic or something? Okay, doubt it. Anyway... The top sentence is basically when I am gonna blog about today. I am really scared, I really am.
My mum.
I know... There's still a long way before the day comes, you and I both know what I mean. But hey, who can predict the future? Like what they always say... "You may be here today, but you wouldn't know about tomorrow." I believe and trust in it 100%. I'm only 14 but everyday I think to myself, "What's going to happen to me when mummy is gone?" I am so dependent on her. Sometimes I get really mad with her but I really love her. She's the only one there for me throughout everything. I want to die before she does, I really do.
My grandmother..
She's someone else always there for me too. She's only 60, so I guess another 10 years, at least? I hope. But besides the point, yeah. She dotes me more than her children (my mum, and her two brothers.) hands down. I'm really certain about that. And no, I'm not showing off that I'm almighty and what not and people show me more love, but it's just that sometimes I really, really, don't know what's going to happen to me when my grandmother's gone too. What's going to happen when I'm sick? What's going to happen if suddenly an emergency crops up and my mother's not around? Who am I supposed to talk to if my mother isn't around? I'll just die, literally.
My helper..
How on Earth can someone develop such close feelings with their helper? I can. She has been with me for 11 years and counting. She's 46 this coming November and soon enough, she wouldn't be able to withstand so much chores in the house. Sure, she's stronger than me and what not, FOR NOW. 5 years time, 10 years time, who knows? I'm glad she doesn't want to retire too soon. And I hope when she does, she'll still be my beloved helper. In my English exam, composition, I wrote about her. I wrote about how I deliberately left her at McD's just to run home alone because I detested her. I swear, I SWEAR, I almost teared when writing it. (If you think I'm being overly-dramatic, shut the hell up and know my story first, bitch.) I really love my composition. Even if it doesn't come out as what I wished for... It's fine. I'm happy with it, that's enough.
My dog..
I had him since he was around a month old. He was a really sad dog. His mum didn't have enough milk for him.. Yet I still didn't want to keep him when my mum's friend brought him to my house. But nonetheless, he was so cute. His body was as big as two of my palms, seriously. He stayed at my house for the first night and I told my mum I wanted it. I play with him, walk him around, and even sleep with him sometimes. How not to develop feelings as owner and pet? Dogs have only 15 years to live, maximum. He's turning 4 soon. 11 years to go but then again, who's to know what's gonna happen in the near future? I know I don't. I really love him. I don't want to part with my dog ever, ever.
My dad..
HAH SCREW YOU BITCH YOU'VE BROUGHT NOTHING BUT MISERY TO MY LIFE. You still owe me 10 grand. ITS MY MONEY, NOT THE FREAKING MONEY YOU GAVE ME. I don't even think you've the position to scold me for any reasons. You didn't love me, you didn't love mum, all you love was yourself and those slut whores out there. Carry on. I don't give two shits about it. But nonetheless, I still love you. I wish you'd change, but that's a wish that would never come true.
Sorry for the sudden anger management issue. But whatever I said is coming from the bottom of my heart. As I write this post I seriously feel like crying. Why's death compulsory? Why bother living if all that's going to happen in the end is death? Wouldn't that bring more misery? Life's so complicated till I don't want to live anymore. Help me.
